How I Lost Dr Seuss

One fine day, while I was sitting on my couch. Without a care in the world because I’m slouch.

A woman appeared on my blabavision screen. She seemed well dress. Not dirty but clean.

But as she spoke, her words began to smell, like raw oysters or some demon from hell.

She screeched and she nagged in voice most unpleasant telling me to buy someone a gift or a present.

And what was this gift that she said I should buy? Why a ring of course, please don’t ask why.

The ring that she sold was not made of sliver or of gold but rubber or chemicals, if truth be told.

How boldly she spoke like, a little drunk who or maybe a bum that had a hole in his shoe.

Her mouth moved, again and again, till all I could think was that I wanted some gin.

“What was this ring for?” you may ask. Why for birth control. Yes of course, that was its task.

She ranted and raved, all the time in rhymes. It seemed to go on forever. In fact it did, I checked it 3 times. Once the hell was over I sat in a slump not wanting to move let alone jump.

The woman had use Dr Seuss to sell birth control on that day. The thought still makes me want scream, and run the hell away.

But the sad truth is the commercial worked well. When I watch the Grinch now, all I can do is think of that hell. Yes I remember the day. Yes I remember the smell. And by chance I see a cat in a hat my mind wonders and I picture that, and I picture my self and where it was that I sat.

I cry most nights now when I think of day. Because of all the things she could have stolen that rhyming bitch, took my Dr Seuss away.

Super Volcanoes Fun but Pointless

Last night I rediscovered a nugget of mass destruction. About a year ago I learned that Yellowstone would blow and take millions with it. While I delighted at the prospect of this happing I filed it in the back of my mind as useless information but a new show on one of the discovery channels brought it back. How many discovery channels do we need by the way? I have direct tv and I have at least 7 of the damn things.

Anyway, even if such a super volcanoes did erupt would it rid the world of people that are allowed to drive with handicap stickers? No, sure it might get rid of a few but they are like roaches. You can’t kill all of them no matter how much nerve gas you use. If you don’t believe me, just ask Sadam. You see them everywhere driving around as slow as a car can possibly go then when you try to pass they kick in the warp drive. They also do the astounding park and turn maneuver. Something, that I think they learned from a bad star trek episode or from a depends commercial. This is where they bring their vehicle to an abrupt stop making sure you have to slam on your brakes just to keep why the helfrom running them down, which might not be a bad thing if there wasn’t law against it (damn hippy lawyers). Then as slow as they can they turn into the road or driveway that they want to enter. To make this maneuver as tricky as possible they often won’t signal, though if you get one that’s really cleaver they will signal the wrong direction. Another thing that has always upset me is the total lack of disregard the people in charge of traffic laws have for public safety. Because, you know I’m all about public safety. But anyway,l are these people given parking spaces in the most crowed section of the parking lot? A little to much pain medication and grandma is plowing down the Salvation Army’s Santa during the come sit on the perverts lap and take a picture day at the local Wal-Mart. Wont little Suzy be surprised? She is getting her present early this year and it’s a shiny bumper from a 1975 old 88.

Which brings me do another thing that’s bugging me about this people. Why they hell do they think they need a car that predates the American Revolution? These people drive around in cars that are the size of Noah's Arch. My only conclusion is they all got together and figured out its easier to hit things when your car is the size of Ohio.

In closing I hate people with these stickers on their cars but I still hate Eskimos more.

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The Stranglet of Destruction

I was watching a show called End Day on the National Geographic channel last night. (Please note the cool name drop). Anyway, this show was perfect for me because it was about big ass disasters that might happen, ending with one that destroyed the world. Of course the special effects were lacking but the ideas presented gave me a warm feeling. The big as wave crashing into New York ruled. I kept thinking about how many worthless people would be gone after that happened. Another one was a small meteoroid crashing into Berlin. Again the destruction would be glorious. But the last one was by far the best. These scientist used this big particle accelerator and end up creating a stranglet. This would be the coolest thing ever. Basically it just eats everything on the earth. So all the useless people would be gone. Yes I know I would be eaten too but that’s a price I’m willing to pay to be rid of the asses that drive around with the handicap stickers on their cars. These people can not drive. They weren’t able to drive before they got the damn sticker and it’s a proven fact that your driving gets 1763% worse when you put one of these stickers on your car. Now I know what you’re saying. Do Eskimos wear shoes in the summer time? HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW???? A few bleeding hearts might be saying. Now not all Eskimos go without shoes and they might be right. They are also saying not all people that are handy cap are bad drivers. Again they might be right but if you will notice the people with the stickers are not really handicap. They are old and/or fat slobs with no jobs. These are the same asses that get the little scooters in Wal-Mart and drive around blocking entire isles with the fat ass scooter. And while they do need all the practice at driving they can get, why the hell do they have to do it while I’m in the store? I don’t like Wal-Mart anyway and I sure as hell don’t need some jackass parking a big ass power chair scooter thing in my way cause they are to lazy to walk their fat asses into the store to get their weeks supply of depends and milk. I sware to god I that one guy parked his scooter .. blocked an entrie isle .. got up .. walked 20 feet as well as anyone in the store .. look at vegtables for a good 5 minutes and then walked back and sat his fat ass back down. I hope he got home and found that his dog had been run over, is wife had run off with her best friend cause she is now a lesbian and his daughter was knocked up by the mailman.

Another befit of a stranglet would it would also get rid of air and water pollution. Which nobody has really though of. And what about ridding the world of Tom Cruise and Carrot Top? I think people should put some real money into the development of a stranglet. I know if I had a particle accelerator I would be trying to make one.

If Barney don't kill you Mr Rogers will

I was told the other night that Mr Rogers was a tattooed super sniper during Vietnam. He supposedly killed a person from 1500 meters. So being the kind of person to believe everything I’m told (as long as it comes from the voices in my head). I did some research (aka. I googled it). I discovered after a long and laborious fact finding mission (I pushed the search button and clicked the first link that poped up) that Mr (The 1500 meter Killer) Rogers wasn’t anything more than stupid goofy asshole. He didn’t kill people. Nor did he have any tattoos. He also can not melt steel with his laser vision, lift a truck with one hand, or create a living undead with his mind. No, Mr Rogers could not do anything special. All he managed to do was piss me off. Why the hell did the SOB change shoes all the damn time. Couldn’t he find a pair that he liked? What kind of a rat bastard changes their shoes that much? That is not a normal behavior for a 50 year old man. It wasn’t when I was a kid and it still isn’t today. I think I would be a lot more of a balanced person if King Friday had pick his scrawny ass up and body slammed him a few times. And how the hell did he get his ass on that damn trolley?

Top 10 Reasons Your Mother Doesn't Love You ver 4.0

Why do I need AOL? I have a computer.
Your mother hates you. If your mother tells you she loves you watch her and in the next 5 to 7 minutes she will ask you to do something she can't or won't do because she is old, lazy or both. Always remember all mothers lie and grandmothers taught mothers everything they know. Do not belief a mother or grandmother about anything you do.
Now on to the show
Reasons your mother doesn't love you

1. You look like your father
2. Your father is the mailman, postman, milkman or a vacuum cleaner salesman. It is not the person you call dad
3. Your father was not the mailman, postman, milkman, vacuum cleaner salesman, etc.. This was the person your mother wanted to have hot sex with but never got the chance.
4. When you were drop on your head as a baby you did not die.
5. You make her lie to everyone about how special, gifted, talented, smart, funny, etc .. you are. This is not the case. Remember all mothers lie and grandmothers are worse because they have been doing it longer.
6. Your friends will only sleep with her when they are drunk.
7. Your 38 and will not clean up your room and/or move out.
   
8. Your last girlfriend(if you have ever had one) remind her of herself.
9. You make her remember when she was young because you robbed her of any life she might have had if it was not for you.
   
10. Your a constant disappointment. This is the only true thing your mother will ever say to you.
    

Remember all mothers are liars. If you think she isn't ask her if she think your handsome, pretty or cute. If you have doubts that she is a liar go look in a mirror. If you still have doubt check into the nearest psycho ward because you need serious help.

Tools that don't work piss me off

I was looking for a free word processor to do this damn blog with. So I got this great looking free word processor named kiss my ass I crash every 2 seconds pro + + + v3.21938471723.2312312-483823324023.3242234. No not open office .. open office is to big to deal with and to slow to install so I got this other free POS. If anyone is needing a horrible word processor for windows try abi word. I have used the linux version in the past and it has been fine. However it does not like my current install of windows. So far it has ate 3 version of the classic Top10 Reasons Your Mother Doesn't Love you post. Yes that's right 3, I'm a slow learner so piss off. This free software sucks ass. Enough to make a new post and maybe a whole segment of follow ups. The next one I do will be on car jacks. Which, are the most common tool to fail when you need them. I hate car jacks.

The last first post you will ever need to read

You are worthless. If you think your special, smart, cleaver, unique, or one of a kind your fooling yourself. There are currently 6 and 1/2 billion people on this planet. The odds of you being the only person that can do action X better than person Y are very slim. I would figure it up for you but I'm not special either. I don't do math or spelling or gammer or hang glide so figure it out for yourself. If you don't like it, to bad for you. Go cry to somebody that gives a damn about you, your life, or your job (note: this number is much smaller than you think. Maybe in low 2's including yourself if you have 3 kids and are married). So whats an un-special person like you to do? Depending on who you ask the answers range from buying something more useless than you (insert sports car here), seek counseling, or maybe ditch that old un-special person your married to and get a new un-special spouse or maybe even get a new job. While all of these are great suggestions none of them will make you any more special than you are right now. Which, on a scale of 1 to 10 is -5. So here is what I suggest you do. Go out buy a new sports car, find somebody you want to be your new un-special spouse (tip: This person can normally be found at your new job.) Drive your shinny new sports car to counseling drive as fast as you can, please make sure you have drank at lease a 12 pack of the highest dollar beer you can find. On the way to counseling make sure you drive off of a large cliff. I would prefer there to be large jagged rocks at the bottom. This would be a big help to me as it would save the planet from you and your new un-special spouse taking up space. If I'm lucky in your drunken state you might take a few other bystanders with you, sadly, I'm usually not that lucky. I could use extra air this would save for my SUV. Which I will then use run over small animals trees and other small cute and cuddly things found in mother nature.